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Mar 13

Mean Spirited Friends: House Haters

house money

A few months ago, a good friend of mine, we’ll call her, “Katie” to protect her privacy, approached me with the following situation/dilemma: A mutual friend of ours, “Sarah”, purchased a home with her boyfriend and shared the good news with a group e-mail that included links to photos of the home. The house was a cute little starter home in the suburbs with a yard and a porch and Katie and I were both so proud for Sarah.

Shortly after Katie finished reading the e-mail she received a call from a friend of hers who had just seen Sarah’s e-mail/photos. According to Katie, the conversation unfolded something like this:
[important]Friend- “Can you believe the house that Sarah just bought?”

Katie- “I know right? I’m so excited for her, she’s always wanted to buy a place”

Friend- “Did you see what they paid for it?”

Katie- “Yeah I won’t lie, I googled it”

Friend- “I can’t believe she bought it with Dan, they’re not even married, I guess she couldn’t afford it on her own. (snidely)

Katie- “I know they’ve talked about getting engaged, but really, what does that matter?”

Friend- “Nothing I guess, I just think she’s getting in a little over her head. Last I heard she was only making $40k, and that’s a lot of house to pay for on $40k”

Katie- “Well she’s an adult so I’m sure she thought about that that.”

Friend- “I guess, I mean what are they going to do with 4 bedrooms, maybe she’s planning on being a stay at home mom?”

Katie- “I don’t think they’ve discussed kids recently, but I know she does want to stay at home someday”

Friend- “Of course she does (snidely)”

Katie- “Well I have a meeting in 5 minutes, I better go”

Friend- “Yeah me too, since we work for a living”[/important]

The whole conversation made Katie so angry that she couldn’t call that friend for several weeks. Knowing how mean spirited and judgmental the, “friend” was behind Sarah’s back made me think twice about continuing our friendship to associate with this woman (I don’t need, “house haters” in my life… or any kind of haters for that matter). Because I’m not one to, “let things go”,  the next time I saw said, “friend” I mentioned that I’d heard about her nasty spirited comments about Sarah. She apologized immediately, stating she was probably just, “jealous”.

Do you let others people’s financial milestones influence your personal finance journey? Are you Jealous of what other people have, ambitious to match what they have, or don’t let it impact you either way?

Image:Images_Of_Money

46 comments

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  1. Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies

    *Sigh* Girls can be so mean. I swear, with the amount of energy we spend tearing each other down, we could take over the world.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Isn’t that the truth! It’s sad. I’m not sure why we can’t just be happy for each other.

      1. C The Writer

        A lot of women who show up on my blog are downright nasty, so I get that.

  2. Michelle

    That sounds like really bad jealousy. I take offense since me and W aren’t married and we have a house haha. Oh well! Girls can be mean.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I hear you, I was equally pissed when I heard about the conversation. bf and I bought a condo together and we’re not married.

  3. Glen @ Monster Piggy Bank

    No one needs friends like that. I prefer to be up front with people, but then again I am a very forward person.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I agree. I guess I should have clarified I think of this “friend” as more of an acquaintance, our “friendship” consists mainly of being in the same place at the same time with mutual friends we have in common.

  4. Emily @ evolvingPF

    Sheesh, I think you and your friends have a gossip problem. Katie talks with Friend behind Sarah’s back, then relays the conversation to you?? Then you post it on your blog that I hope they don’t know about? The mean feelings wouldn’t go anywhere or hurt anyone besides Friend if you all just refused to talk behind each other’s backs.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I don’t think of myself as having a gossip problem, but maybe that’s because my job is listening to other people’s problems lol. I probably shouldn’t have called the “friend” a friend, but instead more of a mutual acquaintance that I occasionally talk to if we’re at the same events (Re-reading the post it does sound as though she and I have a friendship-because that’s the way it was written-I’m going to fix that). They don’t know about the blog, but I wouldn’t mind if they did as already “clarified” with the “friend” that she and I don’t share the same values and if she doesn’t have anything nice to say she should keep her mouth shut-I’m not one to shy away from confrontation when necessary (esp. when I’m standing up for my friends).

  5. Financial Black Sheep

    I don’t let other’s financial decisions bother me. I can be jealous I won’t lie, but it doesn’t go beyond that. So I feel envious or jealous or happy or sad for them, but it doesn’t make me do anything except watch my own finances and make sure I am on the path I need to be. 🙂

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Yup, I think that’s the right route to take. Jealousy is normal, but you can’t let it control you. Gotta just keep plugging away on your own financial journey.

  6. Vanessa

    omg… She’s catty isn’t she? I agree with Mrs. Pop — it’s so sad that we waste so much of our lives being bitchy…

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Totally. I don’t know where the jealousy came from (I don’t really know the “friend” very well), but she clearly has some issues she needs to work through. If she knew Sarah she’d know what a beautiful person she is.

  7. Edgar @ Degrees and Debt

    Haters gonna hate as they say

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Nothing better to do I suppose, sad!

  8. Holly@ClubThrifty

    I never hear men talk about each other that way. It’s just women. Why is that?

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Insecurity? Culturally acceptable norms, a combo of both? Ugg

  9. Mackenzie

    I swear, women can’t just be happy for one another, can they? Ugh… Jealousy is a waste of energy and I don’t know why people expend so much energy on it 🙁

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Some can, but there are still a lot of haters out there.

  10. Brick By Brick Investing | Marvin

    Definitely not jealous of others success if anything I’d like to ask them how they accomplished what they did. One thing I’ve learned over the years is people are successful for a reason and instead of “hating” on them you’d be better learning from them.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Exactly. That’s the way I feel. If someone is doing really well I want to know all of there “secrets”. Everything they’ll tell me I want to hear.

  11. Tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce

    Hmm, tricky situation. Both sides have a point, but probably better to focus on bettering your own situation. Thanks for your insight!

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I agree, I told said “friend” that she should focus on her own finances and keep her mouth shut if she doesn’t have anything nice to say. I don’t know how much that will impact her because we’re not really close, but hopefully it will give her something to think about.

  12. Mo' Money Mo' Houses

    That’s unfortunate but definitely common. Some people just can’t be happy for others because they aren’t happy themselves.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I think that’s a big part of it. It’s hard to be happy for others when you’re miserable yourself. I don’t know much about the “friend’s” personal situation, but clearly something is going on for her to make her that unhappy for someone else.

  13. Girl Meets Debt

    Wow, with friends like that who needs enemies :S

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Agreed, I chose to go directly to the source of nastiness because Katie said she wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say. I basically told said “friend”, “I don’t know you very well, but I’ve heard what you’re saying and clearly you don’t know Sarah if you’re talking smack about someone as sweet as her…”

  14. krantcents

    I don’t have friends like that or they are not friends. As you get older, you drop people like that.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      Absolutely, hoping that Sarah is able to see through this woman and hang on to the good friends who are happy for her success.

  15. Do or Debt

    Ugh…just reading that gave me a bad feeling. That is pure sick jealousy at its worst. I get jealous, but never get like that. It’s more internalized for me and helps motivate me when others have things that I aspire to. There really is no point for friends to talk about others like that.

    1. studentdebtsurvivor.com

      I’m the same way. If I feel jealous I know that it’s a good opportunity for me to try to talk to the person and figure out how they became successful. Whatever they are doing is clearly working and I want to emulate that success in my life. Typically successful folks have been more than happy to talk about how they became successful. It’s a win-win and a great learning experience!

  16. anna

    I don’t have girlfriends like that (thankfully), but female coworkers and some family members can get like that. It’s a downer and I just try to keep them at an arm’s distance.

    1. KK

      Definitely is a real downer. I agree avoiding folks like that is the best solution. No need to hear all that negativity.

  17. Grayson @ Debt Roundup

    I am hearing the jealousy factor here. My wife and I bought our house before we were married. Its their money decision, not anyone else’s.

    1. KK

      Total jealousy! Bf and I bought together and we’re not married. It’s an individual decision that some people don’t agree with, but I don’t really care what they think.

  18. Laurie @thefrugalfarmer

    I agree with Mrs. PoP – think of how much we could lift each other up if there wasn’t that meanness stringing through some! KK, sounds like she’s got some seriously low self-esteem to me. I have a “friend” who does similar types of things. I just try really hard to encourage her when I’m around her, but she’s no longer one of my inner circle of trusted friends. I can’t “afford” having my own self esteem trashed on a regular basis.

    1. KK

      Absolutely. Weed out the bad apples and keep the good ones around. Nobody should have to keep people around if they don’t add value to our lives. Some people just can’t be happy for anyone but themselves.

  19. The Happy Homeowner

    Why are girls such bitches sometimes?! Ugh!!!

    I had a similar experience when I bought my condo–a group of girls were incredulous that I could even buy a condo in Boston by myself. One (who I didn’t even know that well) was adamant that my family must have helped me. Umm…no! I worked hard to have what I have.

    Back off, haters!!

    Now, I really could care less what others think of my mistakes/successes. I’m a nice person, but I also know that some people will never agree/support you no matter what you do when it comes to money. I just say, “To each her own!” 🙂

    1. KK

      You go girl! If I hadn’t bought with the bf I would have purchased on my own. Back off haters indeed. They were clearly jealous of your success. Keep fighting the good fight and saving the big bucks. It’s more fun to prove people wrong and not have to say anything (invite them over to your new place) then to argue about money.

  20. Jordann @ My Alternate Life

    I REALLY try hard not to let other people’s financial achievements make me jealous, but sometimes it’s hard to keep those feelings down. I don’t ever talk about it with other people though. Generally when it comes to finances, there’s a whole lot you don’t know about people so assuming you have the whole story will probably lead to some wrong conclusions.

    Whenever I get jealous of other people’s accomplishments, I try to remember how much farther ahead I am than a lot of people.

    1. KK

      I think jealousy is normal and natural and you’re obviously handling it in the right way (unlike the “friend”) in this post. Working with folks who were formally homeless, I’m constantly reminded how lucky I am and how well I’m doing for myself.

  21. Christine

    When I purchased my home, it was with my boyfriend at the time… he is now my fiancee. However, prior to putting in an offer on anything, we did have conversations about our future, combining certain parts of our finances, and what our escape plan would be if we didn’t work out as a couple. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. I hope your friend Sarah did the same!
    I also think some of my friends had similar conversations about me behind my back. Sometimes you have to walk down your own path, regardless of what friends think, even if they don’t support you.

    1. KK

      So smart! Bf and I had a similar conversation when we bought. If something happened and all hell broke lose we wanted it to be very clear who would get what and how things would be divided fairly.

  22. C The Writer

    Yeah, I’m jealous of what other people have. Not for the things themselves, but for the easier life and greater happiness they have that I can’t have.

    I’m also jealous of people having friends, romantic relationships, so it extends to every part of my life. And I’m not always nice about it.

    I’m putting it out there, I’m admitting it. Then again, I don’t even have a job, so it sounds like Snide is somewhat better off than myself.

    1. KK

      I think recognizing you can be jealous is a huge part of the “battle”. Jealousy is normal, but how we handle the jealousy is what turns into a mess sometimes.

      1. C The Writer

        How should someone handle it? Sometimes it just gets overwhelming.

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